Ahhhnold's Inferno
by Drawl Needler
Summary: Ahhnold guides me and my two friends through our own version of Hell. Written for an English II project.


Disclaimer: I don't own Inferno (nobody does, really), and I don't own Arnold Schwarzenegger (although if I did that would be amazing)

I wrote this for a project I had to do in English II last semester when we were reading Inferno. Basically we got into groups and made up our own version of hell, with a physical depiction (some kind of drawing, although one group made an actual tower which was pretty awesome), a guide for us to go through Hell, and a paragraph to describe each level of Hell. I said screw the paragraphs I have imagination and wrote this instead while my group members worked on the poster. I wrote this in one day, so it's definitely not my best work. Also, because of the site's formatting, the story is not formatted properly. There should be groups of three lines with one final line ending each one, but alas, it is not so. Anyways, enough of me, get to the story!

* * *

**Canto I**

_Prologue_

A little ways into the journey of our lives

We found ourselves lost in a dark alley,

For the streetlights had been lost.

In the darkness a shape appeared before us.

Unto it I called, "Who are you?

Be you man or shade?"

It spoke to us, "I am a cybernetic organism,

Living tissue over metal endoskeleton."

I to it, "A Terminator?"

Ahhhnold stepped from the shadows.

"Close. Now come with me if you want to live."

Not wanting to disobey Ahhhnold, we followed.

We came to a hole in the wall.

Logan asked, "Where are you taking us?"

He replied, "The answer you seek lies in the heart of battle."

Ahhhnold first tossed him in, and then Anthony.

He turned to me, his eyes looking robotic.

I willingly stepped through the hole, and he after me.

And down the rabbit hole we went.

**Canto II**

_The Stands – Limbo_

We emerged in a screaming stadium.

I looked around at all the people and asked,

"Where are we, Ahhhnold?"

And he to me, "We are in Hell.

These are the stands of Limbo,

Where those who were before Christ

And those who don't accept Christ,

But still follow his morals,

Are sent after death.

It is from here these people watch the events below."

And to me, and my companions utter amazement,

What we saw in the arena was horrible.

Millions, even billions of people,

All fighting each other, tearing into one another,

All fighting to come out on top.

Anthony remarked, "It's like a free-for-all

Deathmatch from Halo." He paused, and then

Added, "Awesome!" Ahhhnold said to us,

"That is what Hell is. All the damned souls

Are sent here to specific spawn areas where they

Must fight to get to that." He pointed up,

And it was only then we noticed the

Huge tower in the center of the arena.

"What is that?" I asked our guide.

He to me, "That is where Satan resides.

It is the worst part of Hell, and souls

Sent there have no chance for redemption."

"Wait, redemption?" I asked. "What

Do you mean by that?" He said,

"The fighting is not meaningless.

Whoever can reach the top of the tower

And defeat Satan gets a second chance

To live and repent for their sins. But enough

Of this, we must move on. The only way out

Of here is through Satan, so we must start

Our ascent at once." I spied a demon

Selling snacks to the spectators and said,

"I'll go ask him how to get down to the arena."

Ahhhnold stopped me and said,

"Allow me to break the ice."

**Canto III**

_The first team – Lust_

After Ahhhnold politely asked for directions

(more like beat the crap out of the demon for them)

We descended from the stands into the first spawn area: Lust.

"Ahgh!" cried Logan. "What's on the ground?"

Ahhhnold replied, "Hot coals. Just as they burned

With passion in life, they are burned forever in death."

I asked him, "So Lust is the first sin here,

Just like in Dante's Inferno?" He said to me,

"No, this is just where I wanted to start.

Here all the sins are equal except for treason.

However, the harsher punishments are given

To certain areas. Lust, Gluttony, Greed,

Wrath, and Sloth are all given weaker punishments."

"So what are the worse punishments?"

"You will see when we get there. Now come, we

Haven't much time." As we walked through Lust,

We were witness to multitudes of people fighting.

It was a horrible sight to behold. Yet kind of cool.

It was then that I recognized someone

Amongst all the fighting. "Hey, Tiger Woods!

What's up man?" I cried out. He stopped hitting

Someone with his golf club and turned to me.

"Oh hey," he said. I asked him, "What are you doing here?"

He scoffed. "Man have you been following the news at all?

There's no reason for me not to be here."

He turned from me and continued his fight.

I stared for a few seconds before turning back to my party.

"What a jerk." "Why do you think he's here?"

Remarked Anthony. I nodded. To Ahhhnold I said,

"Yeah, I think I'm ready to go now." And he to me,

"We will get out of here just like rubber baby buggy bumpers."

**Canto IV**

_The second team – Gluttony_

"So where are we now?" asked Logan. Ahhhnold responded,

"Gluttony. You can tell because you're stepping in intestines."

"What!?" we all cried out. We looked down, and, unfortunately, he was right.

"Oh man, forget this. I'll take the mud," said Anthony.

He started going to the mud but was stopped by Ahhhnold.

"That's not mud." Anthony considered this for a second and grimaced.

"That's vile." Ahhhnold said, "What did you expect? It's Gluttony.

Now come, we must move onwards. Stay out of the mud." We pressed on

Through the intestines (but not the mud). I asked our guide,

"So what's the punishment here?" He to me,

"Just as they wallowed in their filth through life,

They must do so literally in death. That is not the only thing."

He motioned towards one of the inhabitants of Gluttony,

Who was also recognizable to me. I shall not divulge his name

In order to protect his identity. "Whoa, blank why are you here?"

He to me, "Because I was a glutton in every

Aspect of life. I took more than was necessary,

Which was enough to land me in Greed, but

It was my overeating that was my downfall."

"But how bad could it possibly be? I eat a lot," said I.

"I stole food from orphans!" he cried.

"Dude…" Anthony stated, shaking his head.

blank sulked off, and it was then I noticed

The rather large hole in his stomach. "Whoa,

What's up with the hole?" Logan asked. Ahhhnold answered,

"So they can't feed on anything. That is their ultimate punishment."

Something occurred to me then. "Are the intestines we're walking through…"

"Yes," he answered. "But don't worry, it's not a tumor."

**Canto V**

_The third team – Greed_

After that last confusing statement by Ahhhnold,

We continued past Gluttony and into Greed.

We were surprised to find ourselves devoured by money.

"Uh, what's going on here?" asked I. Logan answered this time,

"Oh, I get it! Because these people were greedy, now they have to

Swim through their accumulated wealth." Ahhhnold smiled,

Which was the scariest thing we'd seen him do. "Very good.

Because they are trapped in an ocean of money, they are lost

For all time, with no way to get to the center than blind luck."

That was when I noticed another person there, the

First we encountered who truly deserved to be there.

"Bernard Madoff!" I called out. "How dare you show your

Presence around me!" He looked at me with sullen eyes.

"Oh, another one looking to put me down. Trust me, you're

Not the first. Even others in this place look down on me."

"As well as they should! You stole millions from innocent

People, and even from those trying to help others! You have

Every right to be here! In fact, you're not even worth my time!"

As we left, Ahhhnold looked back and said, "Screw you, Bernie."

**Canto VI**

_The fourth team – Wrath/Sloth_

We entered the fourth area, and thankfully it

Was a barren wasteland. Unlike the other areas

We saw many teams of three wandering around.

"In this area, Wrath and Sloth are put together

In order to punish them further. One sloth is

Paired with two wrath and must obey them.

However, the wraths have to fight against

Each other to control the sloth. It's an

Endless cycle of arguments that keeps them from winning."

It was at that point I spied a certain person.

"Hitler? Isn't he more "violence" than wrath?"

I asked. Ahhhnold shook his head. "No,

This was how he was judged, so it shall be."

"Who is he paired with? I don't know them," said Anthony.

"Just random people," answered Ahhhnold. "In fact,

When Hitler arrived, they purposely waited for

A wrathful Jew to appear to pair him with. This

Was so his punishment would at least equal his crime."

Sure enough, Hitler was arguing with the other man

A lot. The sloth with them just kept to himself. I didn't

Feel like having to talk to Hitler so I asked Ahhhnold,

"So what constitutes Sloth?" He answered,

"Mostly indifference. Those who simply don't

Care or don't do anything are considered slothful."

"Okay, well, this place is kind of boring.

Can we move on?" Ahhhnold nodded, and we started

To the next area. As we passed Hitler, Ahhnold said,

"See you at the party, Hitler."

**Canto VII**

_Heresy_

"So wait a minute," I said. "If these areas are

The same as Dante's Inferno, is the next area Heresy?"

He to me, "No. The world is much more tolerable now.

They saw no need to keep it around

When so many people have different beliefs

Nowadays. In other words,

It just got erased."

**Canto VIII**

_The fifth team – Violence_

As we entered Violence we were pelted

By a massive sandstorm. We shielded our

Eyes as tried to make our way through the storm.

"Ahhhnold, what's going on here!?" Logan yelled out.

"Just as these people were violent in life,

They are constantly tortured during their death.

They must make their way to the center through

This sandstorm. But like Gluttony, that is

Not the only punishment." He pointed towards

A person in the storm. I recognized him as Ed Gein.

"Hey Gein! What's up, crazy?" I called to him.

He looked my way and lumbered toward us.

We now saw that he didn't have any arms,

Instead there was just blood spurting out

Of where they should be. "Hey dude, tell us

Why you're here so we can all understand

Just why you're so crazy." He started,

"I killed two women. I mutilated their bodies

And used it as decoration for my house.

I robbed graves and did the same thing

With the corpses. I also made a woman suit-"

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I think we

Get the idea." Gein left us, and we made our way

Out. Ahhhnold looked at the blood spurting and

Stated, "If it bleeds, we can kill it."

**Canto IX**

_The sixth team – Fraud_

As soon as we entered Fraud we were

Swept away by the gravity. We were being

Pushed back from the center to the outer edges.

This time Ahhhnold skipped our asking and

Got straight to the explanation. "The Frauds, just

As they lead away other people in life, are

Lead away from their goal in death." That was

When I saw yet another person I recognized;

This time it was Charles Manson. He blew

Right by us and none of us got a chance

To talk to him. I said, "Oh yeah, wasn't

He that guy who got all those kids

To join his insane cult and kill people

And stuff for him?" Ahhhnold nodded. "Oh,

Then it's pretty obvious why he's here."

He to me, "Well let's go. You need to let off some steam."

**Canto X**

_The Tower – Treason_

We fought our way past the gravity and to the center.

No one else was around except for a sole guard. Ahhhnold

Went to him and said, "I need your helmet, your scythe, and your motorcycle."

The guard stated only "What are you-" before

Ahhhnold punched him and sent him flying. When the

Guard landed his whole body froze over. Ahhhnold

Picked up the scythe and smiled. I to him,

"So what's up with this place? A frozen tower?

Who are all the people in here?"

He answered, "This is the Tower of Treason. Because

Treason is considered the worst sin of all, due

To Hell itself being created due to Satan's treason,

Those who are sentenced here have no second chance.

They must guard the tower loyally, and those who fail

Are frozen forever. Now come, we must get to the choppa."

I looked at Anthony questioningly, and he just shrugged.

Ahhhnold cut our way through the tower, rushing hoards of guards

And shouting, "It's a boooooooooomb!" as he fought them.

Eventually we arrived at the top. Satan sat there,

In all his unholy glory. He stood and said to us,

"Finally, someone has made it. Now, you mu- wait,

None of you are residents here. Who are you?"

Ahhhnold didn't answer, he just jumped at Satan yelling

"It's a boooooooooooooooomb!"

As he started his battle with Satan he yelled to us,

"Go! Get to the choppa! It's the only way out!"

And I to him, "What "choppa"? There is no-"

I heard the sounds of a helicopter and looked up

To see one descending into the tower. "I don't believe it,"

Said Logan. "Run! Get to the choppa!" Ahhhnold yelled again.

As we ran to the "choppa", Satan turned to stop us. Ahhhnold

Called to him, "No, it's me you want! Come on, do it, kill me!

Kill me now! Come on, do it, do it! Kill me!"

We got into the "choppa", which took off as soon

As we got in. Ahhhnold looked at us one more time and

Said, "Hasta La Vista, baby."

And as we exited Hell, we came up to behold the stars.

**Canto XI**

_Epilogue_

Ahhhnold stood over the defeated Satan,

Scythe in his hands. He looked again at

The hole we exited through, and said to himself,

"Don't worry, I'll be back."

* * *

Final Grade on this project: 100

Hell yeah.


End file.
